Long Term Care Decisions...Who Will Make Yours?  by Noëlle Merrill, Executive Director

When is the right time to start planning for your long term care needs?  It is never too early. This month I want to talk about this sensitive topic by relating the story of my own family’s recent experience. 

Discussing who will care for you and how is almost as difficult a topic for aging parents as the birds and the bees conversation was when their children were young.  I think many parents, when queried by their own children about their plans when they become too frail to live on their own, respond as my in-laws did by saying “don’t worry, we have it all worked out.”  I have heard this over and over again from my friends when they talk about concerns they have for their own parents.

What happened in my family’s case is that long term care plans were never made because they felt that it was too early.  Mind you, they were both in their 80’s last time they repeated this mantra to us.  My father-in-law would often say, “we are thinking about moving to a progressive place, where you can age in place.”  He said this as his wife became so frail that she needed nursing home level care. To their credit, they did take care of many things such as their wills, powers of attorney and they even had purchased long term care insurance.  What they never considered is who, how and where  care would be provided for one of them if the other passed away. 

Then the unthinkable happened.  My mother-in-law became bedridden due to a mix of ailments and my father-in-law decided to care for her in their home. Staff hired by their children were let go when we left.  A weekly trip to the emergency room became commonplace, but still he chose to do the caregiving alone.  They owned a home in an adult community iin a state very far from all their children and with no aging in place options such as assisted living or residential care.  Many of their friends had already passed away or moved to facilities elsewhere.  After a particularly difficult month of care for his wife, my father-in-law succumbed to a reoccurrence of cancer with very little warning.  His wife was left alone and bedridden with almost no options.  She couldn’t stay in their home anymore and had to leave.  Her children had no option but to make decisions for her because the only place she might be able to stay in her home state was a nursing home and this choice would have broken everyone’s heart.

We brought her to Maine.  Her home had been in the southwest for almost 30 years and in a matter of 10 days after her husband died, she found herself in Maine, surrounded by strangers in a place that she did not choose.  I don’t think they would have believed this would happen if you had asked them even two months ago.  Many couples think they will pass away at the same time or that the frailer person will succumb first.  Eastern Agency on Aging’s Family Caregiver staff tell me that what happened in my family is a common story.  The healthier spouse dies first because of the hard work and stress involved in caring for a loved one.  The spouse left often has no choice but to allows others to make the decisions.

I hope that readers will think about re-opening those conversations with family members regarding the long term care choices they would prefer. 

And if you want to learn more about the options that are available in any given situation, call Eastern Agency on Aging.  We strive to be the best source of information, options and services for everyone as they grow older. 

Comments

[Carol Bradley Bursack]

What a heartbreaking story! And you are so right. I've seen this happen in my own family, and I've interviewed families who have had to take over in these sad situations. Thank you for writing this article and reminding us all - even those of us who focus on caregiving, daily -
that it is never too early to have these talks.
Area Agencies on Aging are a wonderful resource that I promote heavily in my column and blogs.
Carol Bradley Bursack
Minding Our Elders

[Scott A. Olson, CLTC]

Noelle,

Thank you for sharing that, as difficult as it may have been. I had a similar experience in my family. You have no idea how difficult a time like that can be until you go through it with your own family members. I hope that many will read your post and be motivated to take action.

Scott A. Olson, CLTC
LTCInsuranceShopper.com